heart stealer

“if you live to be 100, i hope i live to be 100 minus 1 day,

so i never have to live without you.”

you are my everything. i never knew being your momma would be so fulfilling.

when you say mum, my heart weeps. when you roll over and smile so proudly i

light up inside. i wish i could bottle your giggles and your sweet baby smell.

i hope you hold on to your wonder and sense of self always.

self

who i am now and who i used to be are 2 different people. how my old self disappeared was gradual yet in a rush. i became wife and mother in the last year. things of importance shifted. i used to struggle with; who am i and where am i? being a mother has taught me to live in each moment. that as much as you think you have your future planned, things can change with the wind. being a wife has taught me compromise and inter-dependence. and that communication is key.

i used to be a selfish, lost soul. i acted without thinking of the reaction it would cause. then wallowed in self loathing and pity. AA taught me acceptance. it truly does hold the answers. i have to carry it as my daily mantra because no matter how much we think we have control of things in our lives, sometimes we cannot. being sober has brought me more gifts then i could have ever imagined. clarity, forgiveness, friendship, support, self love and healing. things that were all waiting until i was ready to accept them into my life.

now i can't imagine going backwards and putting up with my old self but there are still shades of her in me. i kept the parts of her that were always there and the parts that i love; my creativity, my silliness, my list making, my compassion for loved ones . . . i want these parts to flourish and entwine with who i am now; nurturing, understanding, inspired and devoted. i want to instill new traits; mindfulness, patient, and serene.

a string of nights

its amazing how you can function on very little sleep. the last few nights my son has decided that sleeping at night is over rated. he'd much rather eat and be held. who wouldn't rather cuddle? but every hour? really? so it goes a little like this; we go to bed around 10 and maybe sleep until midnight then i feed him and he falls asleep on the job! i tickle his toes and behind his ear. nothing. they tell you to undress them. so i pull up his pjs so his legs are exposed. he may wake up but only to pacify on me, not eat. and ayden, mom can tell the difference.

i feel a little like a dairy cow. pumping and feeding and pumping and freezing. trying to get a stock for when i go back to work next week. and sadly i think he is starting to prefer the bottle. he doesn't seem to have to work as hard. this is great for when dad or nanny want to feed him but makes me a little sad. i loved the bonding that meal time gave us! and its much easier in the middle of the night than warming up a bottle. i'm contemplating giving him formula at his bedtime feeding in hopes he will sleep a little longer? momma can function at home on 5 to 6 hrs of interrupted sleep but at work? hmm. . .

so this morning i decided to put him in his swing so he could rock himself into a sweet dream state. and as i am making coffee i hear the strangest, slightly scary sound coming from the swing. great, the batteries are going. i look at ayden and he had this little look of concern on his face. what is that i am hearing?? momma can push the swing by hand. and now he is sleeping with a smile and here i sit wide eyed and bushy tailed. maybe he's right, sleep is over rated.

29 things to do before i turn 30

giclee canvas print by papya

1. spoil my son

2. dance with my husband

3. live passionately

4. document life

5. create new art

6. the magic tree

7. snuggle lots with my boys

8. join a gym

9. vacation with family

10. setup a website

11. read lots of books

12. continue to write letters to ayden

13. learn how to sew

14. blog more

15. treasure hunt with alex

16. saturday game nights

17. revamp my business

18. laugh often

19. star gaze

20. take a cooking class with my sisters

21. volunteer

22. spend time with me

23. swimming lessons with ayden

24. write a children's book

25. paint the blank canvas'

26. go outside my comfort zone

27. eat new foods

28. rescue another dog

29. become pregnant

summer playtime

our magic tree

it's the first time i have had summer "playtime" since high school. i can't say vacation because having a new baby is actually a lot of work. it's good, rewarding work though so i'm not complaining. i've been listening to my body and doing what it needs. resting when i need to, getting out in the sun when it craves vitamin D and going places with family and friends when i can.

ayden and i went to the zoo with my sister and nephew. he of course, slept through the whole thing but i enjoyed it. especially because my 4 year old nephew knows enough about all the animals that i didn't have to read any of the informational signs :)

we've also been playing outside and had a picnic by the river. he is starting to be much more aware of his surroundings and following voices and sounds. and recently really into the way things feel. we sat under the magic tree's* shade in the back yard the other day. he could feel the cool breeze and the grass in his hands. he just starred up into the big blue sky in awe.

i had a taste of what its going to be like to be away from him for 8 hours on saturday. it was the first time he spent some real quality alone time with dad while i had a momma day. my sister, mom and i went to the spa and did a lil shopping and then went to visit our animal shelter friends with my nephew. after 4 hours i was feeling empty handed. by the time i got home i was so overcome with happiness to see him and give him some love! so going back to work is going to be very hard on my heart for a while. only a couple more weeks of my summer playtime.

*stay tuned for magic tree stories.

Slow Down!

time. when you want it to go by fast it doesn't and when you want it to slow down it flys by. only a few weeks left home with my lil guy. i already know i'm going to cry when i leave for work and dad brings him to daycare for the first time. he'll be in good hands, i'm just so sad i have to be away. look at his face, how can i stand to be away! he's ever changing. sleeping longer and eating more and growing right in front of my eyes. he makes eye contact and smiles when we play. he even has his own lil language. ooos for i'm happy, grunts for i'm hungry, wimpers for i want to be held, and screams for i'm starving!

i'll be 29 in 2 weeks. usually i am all about my birthday but this year is different. i'm fine with getting older. i'm so content with where i am in my life. i couldn't ask for more. so what to wish for when i blow out the candles? 4 more weeks of leave from work? no, then i'd just want more when that time ends. i'll wish for my lil guy to continue to be a happy, healthy baby. to continue to live in and fully enjoy the moments. that as fast as time goes i will continue to document it and treasure its memories.

falcor

this is jaxson. he turns 5 August 8th. well, i adopted him 5 years ago on that day. the rescue org guessed he was 1 or 2 at the time. they found him on July 27th on California Street. this was a Yes sign for me to adopt him. (my birthday & favorite state) have you ever seen Never Ending Story? to me he looks like Falcor, the luck dragon. i probably would have named him that if he wasn't already named. he has been my lil gypsy dog since day one. we have lived 4 different places together in 5 years and he adapts right along with me. rescue dogs are the best kind in my opinion. they are so grateful and loyal. he knows when i'm sad and need to cuddle. hates when i cry and will lick my tears away if i let him. loves when i take him for car rides, but only if he gets to sit up front so he can see. he has always been my right hand man.

when i got pregnant he knew something was up. he sat with me when i was praying to the porcelain gods. he ate with me when i snacked in the middle of the night. and he slept on my belly even when sometimes Ayden would kick him :). i was nervous at how he'd react to the baby. was he going to be jealous or feel hurt that someone was going to be closer to me than him? when we brought the baby home everything fell right into place. he wagged his tail and gently licked Ayden's face then looked up at me as if he approved.

he has an old soul and a young heart. i truly believe that dogs who need us find us but also that we choose the ones we truly need.

Could not love you more

You came into my world on May 28th. I held you and you looked into my eyes with such wonder. Words cannot describe how i felt in that moment. I have never done anything better in my life and you inspire me to do more. I am so blessed to be able to call you son. Everyday that passes i fall more and more in love with you.

I've never felt a love like this, you consume all of me. I love the sweet, heavenly smell of your head. The way your bottom lip pulls in and quivers a little. That you always have to have your hands free so they can touch your face. The noises that sound like you are saying yummy while you eat. How content you are in my arms and on my chest. The way you look into your dad's eyes. A brand new little being that has so much to learn and so much to teach me.

You have taught me to slow down and fully appreciate the moments. That the laundry can wait, along with my hunger and to sleep when you are sleeping or i won't get to sleep at all. You have taught me that life is fragile and precious and goes by incredibly fast. And a whole new meaning to gratitude.

time

when you want time to go by quickly it never does. i'm in the home stretch. 33 weeks today. i just can't imagine getting bigger and being more tired but they say another month at least.

this pregnancy has been tricky. i have been a roller coaster of emotions. yes, i know, some are thinking this is different that your emo self- Yes, very. i can't seem to help the range or extremes. i can be going about my day humming a favorite tune and BOOM - something sends me flying into a sobbing mess or an anger ball.

when i was diagnosed with gestational diabetes a few weeks ago i thought that was it- i crumbled. i was so upset that i had to be on a restricted diet and test my blood and thought, why me and what did i do wrong to develop this. selfishly, i mourned and wanted to resist the changes. but after meeting with doctors, i learned what it is and that it's not something i caused myself (but something my hormones and organs did). what i really learned is that it really isn't about me- not anymore. it's about my baby. and that is when the resistance fell. i will do anything for him.

so i anxiously wait for the lil nugget to arrive. and people, he is going to come when he is ready. i know i look huge to you and that generally women go past their due date, but this lil man has his own due date in mind and he's keeping it a secret, even from momma.

baby love

when i met my nephew alex for the first time i understood what the phrase, love at first sight meant. every inch of me was in love with him. he was perfect. his eyes were wide open and full of wonder. he was just looking around, taking it all in. he was brand new and i loved him. and i still love him in the same rich, unconditional way.

in 14 weeks or less, i will have a brand new little being of my own and i anticipate falling in love at first sight all over again but at a whole new level.

i'm listening

Artwork by Christine Mason Miller

i needed this message today. i've been feeling lost in my journey. i know my role as wife and as momma to be, but what about my place in everyday living? what am i passionate about? what do i wanna be when i grow up? what kinds of things am i capable of creating? how do i know and when will i start?

i want to create artwork that inspires, publish words that express my feelings and that others can relate to. can i make a living at that? i've always felt on the verge of things. like its close enough, all i have to do is reach out and grab it! what is holding me back? fear? why the uncertainty?

i feel fulfilled in every other area of my life. i have an amazing support system. i am truly blessed and grateful for all that i do have. i am just searching for that missing little piece. so i embrace the questions and ask for patience that all will fall into its place.

everything's changing

i look into the mirror and it's as if someone else is staring back at me.

these aren't my clothes, this isn't my body.

even my hair and skin seem to be different.

my senses are altered too.

i can smell things much more than i ever could before.

i forget my thoughts mid-sentence.

everything i eat gives me heartburn.

i used to multi-task, now i have to write everything down

and do things one at a time.

the last five months have been anything but dull. my emotions intense.

this pregnancy was a surprise. we had only been engaged a month.

i thought i had the flu and was completely exhausted.

it took me about 3 1/2 months to feel good.

it also took this long for my mind to relax about all the changes

and accept that this is what being pregnant is all about.

i'm so grateful for all these blessings that are present in my life.

i married a wonderful man November 20th of 2009.

we have been through so many life lessons together.

he believed in me when i didn't believe in myself.

we have seen each other through the good and the bad,

and he is truly my best friend.

becoming parents came much sooner than either of us could have imagined.

the anticipation, the excitement, the amazement. . .

there is no one i'd rather have by my side during these days that lie ahead.

shadow seeker

in the shadows lie the fears, the truths we hide from.

the what if's and the why's.

and you try to ignore them but they get louder, more intense.

so you find a way to just coexist with the unknown.

to trust that there is a reason to all of this.

a faith in something higher, bigger, more than you.

and try to carry gratitude for all that is right in front of you

all new

i felt you move last night. for the first time. it was a little flutter. and it brought tears to my eyes. how could something so little move me so much? like the first ultrasound. you were the size of a bean. but seeing it made it real. and then the first time hearing your heartbeat. soft and quick, made me full of love. now today, at week 19, we went to ultrasound #2. filled with joyful anticipation, are you a boy or a girl. . .

a boy! around June 13th we will have a baby boy. I was so certain that it was a girl ~ i was completely surprised. but we are so blessed, you are healthy and seem to be quite happy in there!