the weight of it all

i can feel the tears swelling, just waiting for me to allow them to come. i am so overwhelmed with my emos today and i realize they are stemming mostly from hormones. i can't seem to get my mind to rest these nights and my anxiety seems to bubbling in my veins. there is so much change amongst us its hard to stay in the optimistic mindset. i'm usually a very optimistic person, believing that we have the power to create what we want to be present in our lives. (good + bad)

i've never worried about money. i'm neither frivolous nor frugal, somewhere in the middle i guess. but these days i feel like money is being sucked right out the window. not having a full-time steady income is obvious showing its results. it was a bold move to step away from a comfort zone of a biweekly paycheck but one i knew i had to make. i couldn't stay where money was the only motivator. but now i can see the weight i have placed on my husbands shoulders and cannot help but feel that i was selfish in my decision. trying to keep the faith in myself is a bit of a struggle when i can see the effects it is causing in my family. it was never my intention to have him be the provider. my desire was to be able to spend more time with my son and to provide by selling my creations.

meanwhile, another opportunity has presented itself in my life as well as my family's. its very unexpected and very appealing to us all. something i cannot currently go into deal here but hope to be able to very soon. all i can say is that it is moving at full speed and causing a mix of emotions for us all. trying to manifest the best possible outcome and to see that the reason its presented itself is so we can do what we've only dreamed of being able to do together. *this is how i am able to believe we create what we desire.

so i'm trying to keep my head above water. remain optimistic and not let my anxieties take control. i am craving 8 hrs of uninterrupted sleep. without the aid of a sleeping pill ~ i refuse to take those lil buggers.

reminder to self

100% committed

hello . .. are you there?!

sometimes i get so wrapped up in my world that i find myself calling to myself ~ hello, are you there?!   meaning that i get so busy with filling others needs that i forget to check in with me and take care of her too. does this make sense? let me try to better explain my thoughts here...

with the daily diaper changes, feedings and playtime and the pet me, scratch me, let me outside, and the dinner made, laundry washed, floors cleaned, story time and ahh sweet, sweet bedtime, when do i actually check in with her?

i was self reflecting after spending sunday afternoon with my sisters, mother, nephew and son, oh and the two crazy very needy dogs. (chaos? why yes, a lil) we were planning my youngest sisters baby shower (or trying to) and i was feeling pulled in the following directions: one part of my mind creating ideas invites, games and inspiration for a theme and another part on what is my son into now, another part on listening to my pregnant sisters talk clothes, another part listening to my nephews did you knows, another part hushing the non stop barking of the dogs. i should note that by sunday i am pretty frazzled from the long week i've already had. i never seem to get any "me" time in. anyway, i decided to gather the troops and quickly run a few errands before baby a needed his nap. i was zeroed in at getting at least one thing off the to do list, leading the pack in and out of a few stores. and then leaving them to venture to the next stop without us because baby was so ready for nap. ahh, quiet time. nope because my dogs BARk at every lil noise they hear. and the very friendly neighbor wants to chat and then the troops are back and the dogs have woken up baby. damn it.

after everybody left i felt horrible for my distracted slightly cranky mood. they even called later to see how i was doing. i certainly didn't show that i had it all together did i? they expressed concern that i drink too much caffeine and don't eat enough food. can you blame me? i need the caffeine to function and who has time to eat?! (ok, i know that i need to get this in check, i am working on it) but also concerned that i am stretching myself to the limit in so many directions. but as i have mentioned before, i have a lil chaos in my world but somehow i love my chaos. i like switching gears and being involved in a number of things but currently having a lil trouble with my balancing act.

i am getting away from where i was going with on this post. (a.d.d, sorry) i've noted that i need to keep her in the top priorities and constantly check in. but in all my bitching here the question is: am i happy? hell yes i am happy! i have so many wonderful elements to be happy about. and i started last night by taking the time to be pampered and went and had my hair done last night. any lady knows this is a wonderful treatment and way to spend time with yourself ☺

i may be 30 but it doesn't mean i am going to let myself go and be boring!

what i've got

so blessed and beyond touched by all the beautiful birthday wishes + gifts! what a wonderful start to 30!!  i feel compelled to list out how truly fortunate i am for the presence of the following in my life:

♥ my amazing son
♥ my beloved husband
♥ my cozy home

♥ my dedicated family

♥ my encouraging friends

♥ my fun-loving dogs

♥ my good health 

♥ my heartfelt creativity

♥ my interminable spirituality

♥ my journey of momma-hood
♥ my kindhearted father
♥ my lamb-like nephews and niece
♥ my magnificent mother
♥ my never-ending inspiration
♥ my obtainable goals
♥ my persistent drive
♥ my quiet times
♥ my relentless curiosity
♥ my sensible sobriety
♥ my tangible truth
♥ my unbelievable sisters
♥ my valiant efforts
♥ my wholehearted support
♥ my youthful heart
♥ my zealous personality

ready for business!

okay so i am a Huge procrastinator and perfectionist. those pesky lil inner critics critiquing Every lil detail holding me back from taking the actual plunge of opening up shop. i've always worked best under pressure but wow-wee did i do a number on myself this time. let me back up here. ..
i've mentioned before but i used to have a business called dewdrop creative. i made a collaboration of artsy things and sold in a few stores and at craft sales. the craft sales is where it got to me. people looking at your work that you put your heart into and i felt judgement - good + bad. i couldn't step away from that it just might not be their style. i took my work very seriously as an inner reflection. when really sometimes it was just the venue i was at. anyways, it became forced and my passion for creating was dwindling. but now looking back, it was all just part of the making into something bigger and better ☺

taking time away gave me a chance to reflect and grow from the things i've learned. things i will not do and things i will do better. my biggest struggle now is time management! i'm a busy girl being pulled into a million different directions but i kinda love my chaos! i love being able to do a variety of things and play a variety of roles in my life. it keeps me full and ever changing.

back to my inner critics. i kept hearing what if nothing sells, what if no one likes my style, how do i do this, is it worth all the questions and concerns and time i am spending on creating??? the answers i've come to terms with: YES it is worth it because art is my passion and it keeps me going. if nothing sells and nobody like my work its okay! ultimately i am doing this work for myself. creating makes me feel alive and its a big part of who i am. i need to give this a chance and time and yes i will run into glitches and its all part of the learning. so here goes...

my shop is ready for business
http://www.etsy.com/shop/souLnaKed