Could not love you more

You came into my world on May 28th. I held you and you looked into my eyes with such wonder. Words cannot describe how i felt in that moment. I have never done anything better in my life and you inspire me to do more. I am so blessed to be able to call you son. Everyday that passes i fall more and more in love with you.

I've never felt a love like this, you consume all of me. I love the sweet, heavenly smell of your head. The way your bottom lip pulls in and quivers a little. That you always have to have your hands free so they can touch your face. The noises that sound like you are saying yummy while you eat. How content you are in my arms and on my chest. The way you look into your dad's eyes. A brand new little being that has so much to learn and so much to teach me.

You have taught me to slow down and fully appreciate the moments. That the laundry can wait, along with my hunger and to sleep when you are sleeping or i won't get to sleep at all. You have taught me that life is fragile and precious and goes by incredibly fast. And a whole new meaning to gratitude.

time

when you want time to go by quickly it never does. i'm in the home stretch. 33 weeks today. i just can't imagine getting bigger and being more tired but they say another month at least.

this pregnancy has been tricky. i have been a roller coaster of emotions. yes, i know, some are thinking this is different that your emo self- Yes, very. i can't seem to help the range or extremes. i can be going about my day humming a favorite tune and BOOM - something sends me flying into a sobbing mess or an anger ball.

when i was diagnosed with gestational diabetes a few weeks ago i thought that was it- i crumbled. i was so upset that i had to be on a restricted diet and test my blood and thought, why me and what did i do wrong to develop this. selfishly, i mourned and wanted to resist the changes. but after meeting with doctors, i learned what it is and that it's not something i caused myself (but something my hormones and organs did). what i really learned is that it really isn't about me- not anymore. it's about my baby. and that is when the resistance fell. i will do anything for him.

so i anxiously wait for the lil nugget to arrive. and people, he is going to come when he is ready. i know i look huge to you and that generally women go past their due date, but this lil man has his own due date in mind and he's keeping it a secret, even from momma.

baby love

when i met my nephew alex for the first time i understood what the phrase, love at first sight meant. every inch of me was in love with him. he was perfect. his eyes were wide open and full of wonder. he was just looking around, taking it all in. he was brand new and i loved him. and i still love him in the same rich, unconditional way.

in 14 weeks or less, i will have a brand new little being of my own and i anticipate falling in love at first sight all over again but at a whole new level.

i'm listening

Artwork by Christine Mason Miller

i needed this message today. i've been feeling lost in my journey. i know my role as wife and as momma to be, but what about my place in everyday living? what am i passionate about? what do i wanna be when i grow up? what kinds of things am i capable of creating? how do i know and when will i start?

i want to create artwork that inspires, publish words that express my feelings and that others can relate to. can i make a living at that? i've always felt on the verge of things. like its close enough, all i have to do is reach out and grab it! what is holding me back? fear? why the uncertainty?

i feel fulfilled in every other area of my life. i have an amazing support system. i am truly blessed and grateful for all that i do have. i am just searching for that missing little piece. so i embrace the questions and ask for patience that all will fall into its place.

everything's changing

i look into the mirror and it's as if someone else is staring back at me.

these aren't my clothes, this isn't my body.

even my hair and skin seem to be different.

my senses are altered too.

i can smell things much more than i ever could before.

i forget my thoughts mid-sentence.

everything i eat gives me heartburn.

i used to multi-task, now i have to write everything down

and do things one at a time.

the last five months have been anything but dull. my emotions intense.

this pregnancy was a surprise. we had only been engaged a month.

i thought i had the flu and was completely exhausted.

it took me about 3 1/2 months to feel good.

it also took this long for my mind to relax about all the changes

and accept that this is what being pregnant is all about.

i'm so grateful for all these blessings that are present in my life.

i married a wonderful man November 20th of 2009.

we have been through so many life lessons together.

he believed in me when i didn't believe in myself.

we have seen each other through the good and the bad,

and he is truly my best friend.

becoming parents came much sooner than either of us could have imagined.

the anticipation, the excitement, the amazement. . .

there is no one i'd rather have by my side during these days that lie ahead.

shadow seeker

in the shadows lie the fears, the truths we hide from.

the what if's and the why's.

and you try to ignore them but they get louder, more intense.

so you find a way to just coexist with the unknown.

to trust that there is a reason to all of this.

a faith in something higher, bigger, more than you.

and try to carry gratitude for all that is right in front of you

all new

i felt you move last night. for the first time. it was a little flutter. and it brought tears to my eyes. how could something so little move me so much? like the first ultrasound. you were the size of a bean. but seeing it made it real. and then the first time hearing your heartbeat. soft and quick, made me full of love. now today, at week 19, we went to ultrasound #2. filled with joyful anticipation, are you a boy or a girl. . .

a boy! around June 13th we will have a baby boy. I was so certain that it was a girl ~ i was completely surprised. but we are so blessed, you are healthy and seem to be quite happy in there!

goodbye to you

rainbows in her pocket by pinkytoast

so i decided to let my biggest vice go... no more ciggys.  just so you all know this wasn't easy and surprised myself more than those of you who know me. i am doing this with the support of chantix and of course aLot of patience, understanding and encouragement from the mr. But in my head this is sort of how it's going;

you are what?!

well how bout just one more?

you're going to miss it.

it's going to be too hard!

what about when you have coffee?

in the car? 

out with friends? 

well, for the first week i fought it. I took the little pill and still smoked as usual. But each day and each cig i lit taste worse and my body was fighting it more. i thought about it only in the moments of habit. like when i'm in the car. but the smell bugs me now. i haven't smoked in my car lately but i still smell it. weird.

side effects ~  (very) vivid dreams and (very) nauseous.

it is week 2. and it's been 48 hours since i have had any nicotine. and it's all about one day at a time right now. long term success is to be determined. 

28 of my favorites

1. listening to pandora

2. fields of wildflowers

3. letterpress printing

4. snuggling with my pups

5. caribou's white chocolate mocha

6. vibrant colors

7. swedish fish candy

8. sabrina ward harrison's artwork

9. playing board games

10. being barefoot

11. urban decay's eye makeup

12. fairies

13. hugs and kisses
14. sleeping to dream

15. casino trips with mama

16. dad's homemade pizza

17. movie trailers

18. polaroid cameras

19. journaling

20. twilight series ~ vampires

21. blog surfing

22. owls

23. little monsters
24. when alex reads to me
25. peacock feathers
26. thunderstorms
27. sudoku
28. free people clothing

a classic