a Love like this

complex | release

there is nothing left to say
but so much left unsaid
we coexist like strangers
under the same roof
we nod hello + goodbye
through the thick silence
the only dance we share is
our energies in search of comfort
within these anxiety covered walls
how did our foundation crack + shift
from ever after to never lasting
empty promises + shattered hopes
i fear of waking up one day
and you'll have vanished
like a phantom of my imagination
i dreamt of you and you came
into my world and all the same
you easily slip away
grateful for our togetherness
even if you were just wasting time
i'll never forget how you brought
my soul to life, awakening me
from a deep slumber
i'll forgive myself for having expectations
as i am not above your free will
we crossed paths for a reason, maybe
it wasn't why we hoped it to be,
because we tried as both we could
this is the hardest goodbye
that i've ever had to say

to my kindergartener

From your first flutter i was filled with joyful, grateful, love

I'm so blessed your soul chose me to be your momma 

You have taught me so much in the last 5 years

Wholeheartedness, perseverance, tolerance, consciousness, sincerity

You have so much wonder and curiosity

It inspires me to go after my dreams without fear

You always know exactly what i'm feeling without me saying a word

As you embark on your schooldays journey i wish you to remember...

You are a bright, funny, lovable soul

{remember our whisper: you are safe, you are loved, you are okay}

Your determination and fixations will help guide you through hard days

Your intuition will always speak to you loudly. . . never ever doubt it

Some people are mean and say hurtful things. . . send them love anyways

Keep your sense of humor. . . sometimes laughter is the best medicine

Stay curious and courageous. . . it will bring you anywhere you want to go

I am so proud of all your accomplishments and abilities

Momma loves you more than the moon loves the stars

    Cheers to Kindergarten Boog  

in•i•ti•a•tion

i stand on new ground as i embrace my 34th year.

i took a leap and i am discovering the feeling of being without certainty.

i chose this road yet i feel like i'm learning to dance with two left feet.

i've been swaying back and forth between past and present. 

justifying and bartering, questioning and praying.

foolish girl.

have you learned nothing in these last 34 years??

thy own worst critic.

am i not worth more?

do i not deserve more?

i bravely make the step in the direction i desire

only to be met with a stagnant destination.

full with trepidation.

why am i allowing this?

if i am going to create the life that i aspire to

i'm going to have to confront my apprehensiveness.

pretty bird

may she always dance to the beat of her heart

heres to hoping

let me never lose hope

proposition

here we are

into the

darkest,

coldest,

loneliest,

days of January.

it's suppose to be a time for

new beginnings,

and

resolutions.

every year, this month

is harder for me to withstand.

i try to prepare myself.

to breathe deeply,

to let go

and

surrender.

i hear the faint whispers...

it could be so much worse,

be grateful.

be patient.

i know the more

i focus on how

unbearable it is,

the more it truly will be.

i feel so vulnerable

to others energies. 

i carry their misery

or maybe

they mirror my own.

so i ask for

louder whispers, 

signs of support

and

guidance so clear

that i may even trip over them.

i need a little help here.

i am trying so hard

not to fall

down the rabbit hole.

help me

be present,

be mindful,

be loving,

be kind.

be protected

from the darkness

of my eager depression

that dances on the edge,

waiting for me to lie down

and

welcome it. 

no destination in mind

it is my journey ~ i shall follow my heart wherever it may lead  

reason enough

these two are why i will never ever give up

look up

we grow even when we feel we are at a stand still. looking up tonight i see this is my truth. i would have never imagined i'd be where i am today from where i was a year ago. i was scared of taking the final steps of divorce. of leaving the house i started my family in. of shedding old skin and ideas.

i am still learning, still stumbling through to find my way. somedays feel so full i can't breathe. when bitterness surfaces i remind myself that i am in the right place and to let go and let god. persevere. he won't give me more than i can handle, right? so here i am, surviving, trying to stay present and not get run down. not let fears overtake. not regret or look back but look up. trust.