everything's changing

i look into the mirror and it's as if someone else is staring back at me.

these aren't my clothes, this isn't my body.

even my hair and skin seem to be different.

my senses are altered too.

i can smell things much more than i ever could before.

i forget my thoughts mid-sentence.

everything i eat gives me heartburn.

i used to multi-task, now i have to write everything down

and do things one at a time.

the last five months have been anything but dull. my emotions intense.

this pregnancy was a surprise. we had only been engaged a month.

i thought i had the flu and was completely exhausted.

it took me about 3 1/2 months to feel good.

it also took this long for my mind to relax about all the changes

and accept that this is what being pregnant is all about.

i'm so grateful for all these blessings that are present in my life.

i married a wonderful man November 20th of 2009.

we have been through so many life lessons together.

he believed in me when i didn't believe in myself.

we have seen each other through the good and the bad,

and he is truly my best friend.

becoming parents came much sooner than either of us could have imagined.

the anticipation, the excitement, the amazement. . .

there is no one i'd rather have by my side during these days that lie ahead.

shadow seeker

in the shadows lie the fears, the truths we hide from.

the what if's and the why's.

and you try to ignore them but they get louder, more intense.

so you find a way to just coexist with the unknown.

to trust that there is a reason to all of this.

a faith in something higher, bigger, more than you.

and try to carry gratitude for all that is right in front of you

all new

i felt you move last night. for the first time. it was a little flutter. and it brought tears to my eyes. how could something so little move me so much? like the first ultrasound. you were the size of a bean. but seeing it made it real. and then the first time hearing your heartbeat. soft and quick, made me full of love. now today, at week 19, we went to ultrasound #2. filled with joyful anticipation, are you a boy or a girl. . .

a boy! around June 13th we will have a baby boy. I was so certain that it was a girl ~ i was completely surprised. but we are so blessed, you are healthy and seem to be quite happy in there!

goodbye to you

rainbows in her pocket by pinkytoast

so i decided to let my biggest vice go... no more ciggys.  just so you all know this wasn't easy and surprised myself more than those of you who know me. i am doing this with the support of chantix and of course aLot of patience, understanding and encouragement from the mr. But in my head this is sort of how it's going;

you are what?!

well how bout just one more?

you're going to miss it.

it's going to be too hard!

what about when you have coffee?

in the car? 

out with friends? 

well, for the first week i fought it. I took the little pill and still smoked as usual. But each day and each cig i lit taste worse and my body was fighting it more. i thought about it only in the moments of habit. like when i'm in the car. but the smell bugs me now. i haven't smoked in my car lately but i still smell it. weird.

side effects ~  (very) vivid dreams and (very) nauseous.

it is week 2. and it's been 48 hours since i have had any nicotine. and it's all about one day at a time right now. long term success is to be determined. 

28 of my favorites

1. listening to pandora

2. fields of wildflowers

3. letterpress printing

4. snuggling with my pups

5. caribou's white chocolate mocha

6. vibrant colors

7. swedish fish candy

8. sabrina ward harrison's artwork

9. playing board games

10. being barefoot

11. urban decay's eye makeup

12. fairies

13. hugs and kisses
14. sleeping to dream

15. casino trips with mama

16. dad's homemade pizza

17. movie trailers

18. polaroid cameras

19. journaling

20. twilight series ~ vampires

21. blog surfing

22. owls

23. little monsters
24. when alex reads to me
25. peacock feathers
26. thunderstorms
27. sudoku
28. free people clothing

a classic

Sabrina Ward Harrison

My favorite artist! She inspires me to the bone. Has a new line of fabulous pieces over at Papya; another favorite of mine. I can't wait to put my order in and get my hands all over her new works. Pure amazing, brilliance! 

i ♥ the uglys

how can you not?

words i would have said

stop! don't - please - heal, love, respect. trust. let go of fear and anger. forgive no matter how much it hurts because forgiveness heals. resentments hurt and destroy. cry when you need to. i know you're scared but trust the ones who love you, lean on us, take time and pray, pray, pray. because life is so fragile and we only get this one time. one chance. don't turn your head - don't run and bury - it aLL comes up and out at some point. face your truth now. it will be okay. it will make you stronger. you are not alone. you will find yourself in all of this . . . believe.

Johnny Cash gets comfy

so it was one of those nights where boredom gets the best of you. i was playing with my video setting  on my camera ~ with no intention of ever showing this to anyone ~ but i guess, what the hell. enjoy?!