not warranted

sabrina ward harrison

sometimes life feels unfair

sometimes it is so overwhelming you can't breathe

sometimes id rather hide than face my realities

so much heartache

so much fear

of all the uncertainty

even though i know that i can handle everything that comes my way

i know how blessed i am

i know i am loved and supported

i know it could be so much worse

still in the knowing i weep tonight

i let the tears fall

i let out my screams

it is no ones fault

and its all going to be okay

tomorrow i will pick myself back up and put back on my coat of armor

i will advocate for my lil loves

i will face the fears and uncertainties

because maybe

life is only as unfair as we allow it to be

i deserve

i am home

i am creating everything that i want in my world. i am present, moment by moment. i feel all the fears falling away. just by trusting the universe again. i've woken from a long long sleep. senses fully aware to everything around me. its about fully living and being who i truly am. and believing that i deserve all the beauty that is coming to me. blessed feeling, i am heard, i am seen. i am no longer weighted down by  negativity that clouded my visions. it's the light in the darkness i knew would come. so grateful to see it again, feels like coming home.

in progress

starting to fool with this again. i haven't sketched in such a long time. but picking up the pencil is welcoming, another form of self expression. a work in progress, captivating me all over again.

in the raw

raw |rô|adjective(of an emotion or quality) strong and undisguised• frank and realistic in the depiction of unpleasant facts or situations PHRASESin the raw 1 in its true state; not made to seem better or more palatable than it actually is
raw emotions: strong, intense, passionate, fervent, powerful;undisguised, unconcealed, unrestrained, uninhibited.

are you listening

some currents
louder than ever  .  cold war kids
revelry  .  kings of leon
the difference between us  .  the dead weather
numb  .  gary clark jr.
little black submarines  .  the black keys
awake my soul  .  mumford and sons
love interruption  .  jack white
skip the charades  .  cold war kids
shake it out  .  florence + the machine
work on me  .  kings of leon

my assumption

and acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.

nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake.

unless i accept life completely on life's terms, i cannot be happy.

i need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes.

begin again

i haven't publicly written in months. i've been spilling it all out onto private journal pages. sometimes in a fury, sometimes through tears. but i'm known to wear my heart on my sleeve so to endure such happenings private is more foreign than comfort. maybe its the perfectionist in me that holds back from spilling here in case of typos or judgements. today it feels right to begin again.

to update; i am a single mother of two of the most dearest gems. ayden + asylin but often referred to as boog + bird. they keep me busy, they give me hope and they are my everything.

the "d" became final this fall but we are nearing a year of separation. divorce has been like a death, as i have ridden the waves of the seven stages of grief. i can comfortably say that i am sitting in the drivers seat of #7 acceptance + hope. but truthfully there are days when i can slide back into any of the other 6 stages.

we are co-parenting our lil gems the best we can as it is a learning experience for us all. and somehow through this year i can now see that this is the best decision for us all. think what you may but to stay in a marriage for the kids is not something i believe was best for them, and i think he'd agree.

but this place is to not bash or get into nitty-gritty details of the "d". it's for my soul to heal, and to share who i am with those who care to explore and ride my journey with me. i heal and grow through my sharing, through my truths, through my art and my writing. i'm no longer willing to live in fears or shadows. i am ready to leap into the life i know i can attain.

truth

trying to take in my new surroundings

trying to take one day at a time

breath by breath

sometimes i don't even feel the tears roll down

i'm without

holding on to the ghosts in my soul

haunted by the way things were

tangled with the way things are

waiting for the sadness to lift

the calm to settle in

this is just the way things are

i cry out to let go and let god lead me

but he doesn't seem to hear my cries

i feel stuck in time

like i'm waiting for my reality to make sense

to wake up from this long twisted dream

i keep expecting him to say he changed his mind, he's sorry, i'm his everything...

when really i mean nothing to him

just disregarded

left in his shadow

i know its time to step out from his darkness

every inch of me knows to but every inch of me fights to stay. . . lingering

maybe its hope and maybe its habit

i built my whole world around him and i played the fool

left with unspoken truths

no promises to fix it, no idea on how to recover

its so much to comprehend

i'm slipping right back down, down down to this damn depression that i have danced with time and time again in my life

i don't feel strong enough to battle this again

it whispers and taunts, like its calling me home

it wants its victory

i have too much responsibility to fall into its trap completely

so i wait until all my roles for the day have been fulfilled

then i unravel in the silence

breaking open

i can feel a shift within me. it keeps me in a light sleep at night. you know, when you feel like you aren't sleeping at all but you must have been or you'd be exhausted the next day...

things have been dark and hazy for months. i finally feel like i can see the light seeping in. i have ignored and silenced the snooze button for the last few years of my life.

i try to only see the good but sometimes in doing that you miss out on the horribly bad. is ignorance really bliss???

my whole world has been tipped upside down. i allowed myself to believe in empty promises. i let the love that we once had hit the bottom and wash away into the deep dark sea.

now i'm left in the shadows of someone i barely know. his presence will always linger as we share the most beautiful gems in the world : our two children. they are treasured gifts to both of us and i am thankful that we can stand on the same ground if only for them.

when i became a momma its all i could see. my world became about them. my need for balance in all areas of my life was neglected. i realized too late that my marriage was slipping through my hands. we stopped communicating. my focus was our child that soon became children. his went elsewhere.

can i truly say i was blindsided? no. i felt it fade away. i told myself it'd get better, that marriage and babies were hard. but how hard need it be? the saddest part to me is that we couldn't be honest with each other and say aloud it was over. we co-existed so to say in a loveless marriage.

the day that the truth was spilled, i felt the heavy weight on my chest lift. deep down i knew intuitively it wasn't going to get better, and the most important beings being hurt by us were the gems we hold so close to our hearts. it wasn't fair to them to stay or continue on the path we had been absently wandering.

so now a new path is being made. i am stumbling and climbing and feeling my way through the dark. some days i feel as if i am barely hanging on and other days i feel hope. my lil gems are what keep me going. but i have learned that i am not only just a momma.

i know now to listen to the whispers in my heart. to trust the angels messages. to pay attention to how fragile and precious life is. that we can choose to ignore and try to bury things but they will always eventually surface. i've actually had to "re-learn" this a few times.

detaching myself from a thirteen year relationship is anything but easy. it's a lot like becoming sober. i have had to feel every emotion in the raw. even in my crying fits i am thankful for this. and it may seem like it'd be easier to numb thyself. somedays i wish i could but i have already been numbing myself for so long...

today i welcome the stirring shift. i say thank you for its arrival. i pray to be surrounded with love and angels as my heart heals. and i ask for guidance as i put one foot in front of the other, one day at a time.