my assumption

and acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.

nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake.

unless i accept life completely on life's terms, i cannot be happy.

i need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes.

begin again

i haven't publicly written in months. i've been spilling it all out onto private journal pages. sometimes in a fury, sometimes through tears. but i'm known to wear my heart on my sleeve so to endure such happenings private is more foreign than comfort. maybe its the perfectionist in me that holds back from spilling here in case of typos or judgements. today it feels right to begin again.

to update; i am a single mother of two of the most dearest gems. ayden + asylin but often referred to as boog + bird. they keep me busy, they give me hope and they are my everything.

the "d" became final this fall but we are nearing a year of separation. divorce has been like a death, as i have ridden the waves of the seven stages of grief. i can comfortably say that i am sitting in the drivers seat of #7 acceptance + hope. but truthfully there are days when i can slide back into any of the other 6 stages.

we are co-parenting our lil gems the best we can as it is a learning experience for us all. and somehow through this year i can now see that this is the best decision for us all. think what you may but to stay in a marriage for the kids is not something i believe was best for them, and i think he'd agree.

but this place is to not bash or get into nitty-gritty details of the "d". it's for my soul to heal, and to share who i am with those who care to explore and ride my journey with me. i heal and grow through my sharing, through my truths, through my art and my writing. i'm no longer willing to live in fears or shadows. i am ready to leap into the life i know i can attain.

truth

trying to take in my new surroundings

trying to take one day at a time

breath by breath

sometimes i don't even feel the tears roll down

i'm without

holding on to the ghosts in my soul

haunted by the way things were

tangled with the way things are

waiting for the sadness to lift

the calm to settle in

this is just the way things are

i cry out to let go and let god lead me

but he doesn't seem to hear my cries

i feel stuck in time

like i'm waiting for my reality to make sense

to wake up from this long twisted dream

i keep expecting him to say he changed his mind, he's sorry, i'm his everything...

when really i mean nothing to him

just disregarded

left in his shadow

i know its time to step out from his darkness

every inch of me knows to but every inch of me fights to stay. . . lingering

maybe its hope and maybe its habit

i built my whole world around him and i played the fool

left with unspoken truths

no promises to fix it, no idea on how to recover

its so much to comprehend

i'm slipping right back down, down down to this damn depression that i have danced with time and time again in my life

i don't feel strong enough to battle this again

it whispers and taunts, like its calling me home

it wants its victory

i have too much responsibility to fall into its trap completely

so i wait until all my roles for the day have been fulfilled

then i unravel in the silence

breaking open

i can feel a shift within me. it keeps me in a light sleep at night. you know, when you feel like you aren't sleeping at all but you must have been or you'd be exhausted the next day...

things have been dark and hazy for months. i finally feel like i can see the light seeping in. i have ignored and silenced the snooze button for the last few years of my life.

i try to only see the good but sometimes in doing that you miss out on the horribly bad. is ignorance really bliss???

my whole world has been tipped upside down. i allowed myself to believe in empty promises. i let the love that we once had hit the bottom and wash away into the deep dark sea.

now i'm left in the shadows of someone i barely know. his presence will always linger as we share the most beautiful gems in the world : our two children. they are treasured gifts to both of us and i am thankful that we can stand on the same ground if only for them.

when i became a momma its all i could see. my world became about them. my need for balance in all areas of my life was neglected. i realized too late that my marriage was slipping through my hands. we stopped communicating. my focus was our child that soon became children. his went elsewhere.

can i truly say i was blindsided? no. i felt it fade away. i told myself it'd get better, that marriage and babies were hard. but how hard need it be? the saddest part to me is that we couldn't be honest with each other and say aloud it was over. we co-existed so to say in a loveless marriage.

the day that the truth was spilled, i felt the heavy weight on my chest lift. deep down i knew intuitively it wasn't going to get better, and the most important beings being hurt by us were the gems we hold so close to our hearts. it wasn't fair to them to stay or continue on the path we had been absently wandering.

so now a new path is being made. i am stumbling and climbing and feeling my way through the dark. some days i feel as if i am barely hanging on and other days i feel hope. my lil gems are what keep me going. but i have learned that i am not only just a momma.

i know now to listen to the whispers in my heart. to trust the angels messages. to pay attention to how fragile and precious life is. that we can choose to ignore and try to bury things but they will always eventually surface. i've actually had to "re-learn" this a few times.

detaching myself from a thirteen year relationship is anything but easy. it's a lot like becoming sober. i have had to feel every emotion in the raw. even in my crying fits i am thankful for this. and it may seem like it'd be easier to numb thyself. somedays i wish i could but i have already been numbing myself for so long...

today i welcome the stirring shift. i say thank you for its arrival. i pray to be surrounded with love and angels as my heart heals. and i ask for guidance as i put one foot in front of the other, one day at a time.

my reasons

they are the reason i can get up and keep going. they make me want to climb through the darkness. they will never know how much i truly love them because i have no words great enough to describe this love. they are my everything. they teach me everyday. to be aware, patient, gentle, driven.

ayden. my lil boog. you are a sensitive, energetic lil lamb. you love to cuddle, dance and explore. you won't hurry. outside is your favorite place to be.  often in your own little world. strong determination and relish in praise. you need stability and softness. you will always be my favorite little boy.

ayslin. my lil bird. you are my sunshine. the happiest baby girl i've ever met. you smile wide and laugh at yourself. yet already a lil mischievous. off to seek new things. love to be around others. you need comfort and kisses. you will always be my favorite little girl.

finding beauty in it

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen." - Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

5 years

its been 5 years since i've had a drink. thats really something! i am so blessed in what sobriety has brought me. i honestly can say i wouldn't have the things i do today in my life if i would have stayed on that road. thank you for helping me find the light and for continuing to guide me in the right direction.

what we do

lil mr has found a new love, painting....

he lines his paints up just so and says; momma, colors. then tries to name them one by one. he likes to have a variety of brushes and a little bit of each color on his pallet. recently we've discovered its fun to paint on our selves as well as the paper. i bought him his own paints, brushes and sketchbook so he'd stay out of mine but that is not always what he wants :) its fun to share something like this with him... i love fresh paints and brushes and the messiness of it all + so does he! 

exhaustion

its typical to feel exhausted after carrying a lil nugget in your belly for 9 months and then you finally deliver her into the world and you are brought into another type of exhaustion. but lets top that with a sudden tragic loss in the family. exhaustion from sadness and grief. i am trying my best to keep it together and describe to you how overwhelming the last week has been.

Ayslin Violet was born on June 24th at 9 am. i had had inconsistent contractions for a week prior until saturday evening when they finally came close enough together to head to the hospital. it was an entirely different birthing experience than with Ayden. only 2 pushes. she came out weighing 7.2 and with a thick head of jet black hair! she never cried. she just blinked at me. in her first week she has been a very content baby. she makes these lil cooing noises in her sleep and smiles. when she's ready to eat she opens her tiny mouth like a lil bird. her fingers lay gently on me as she eats. becoming a lil more alert everyday. her eyes open and she just looks around slowly. if she does cry its a lil short screech. any fear i had about not knowing how i could love both my kids equally fell away the moment they placed her in my arms. my heart swelled with that overwhelming, instant love. i feel so blessed to have two beautiful children.

on the morning of June 26th my sister called me hysterical. my heart dropped as i had a sense of what she was going to tell me. her brother in-law had passed away. my family is very close, my brother in-law is only considered my brother, in my heart. he has been since they married 9 years ago. i met my brother's brother about 12 years ago. we were 18 or 19. jackson loved life. he had the most bubbly, happy go lucky personality. he laughed all the time. he never seemed to sit still either. we'd hangout in his black light covered walls room and listen to music and talk. he'd bring me around to hangout with his friends making me feel like i fit right in. i could talk to him about anything, if i was ever down he'd do or say something to make me laugh. my sister and his brother were dating at the time, they were both worried we'd date but it wasn't like that - we were friends. time passed and our friendship faded away but i knew him then and his life touched mine. in years to come we'd see each other at a family get together, a concert or outing, we became alex's (my sister and his brothers son) godparents. it makes me so unbelievably sad that he has passed away. he has two beautiful children that will have grow up with only memories. his parents without one of their children, his siblings without their brother... i cannot imagine that kind of loss, that kind of pain. i can only pray for healing and comfort.

everyone around me is full with exhaustion. different shades. may we all find strength and support in each other. 

radishes

aj loves to be outside. he'd live out there if i'd let him. usually we go out in the afternoon when it is unbearably hot for momma and i last all of 20 minutes before a screaming match is caused by me dragging him back inside. today we switched it up, we went out early and played for almost 2 hours in the backyard until he actually, willingly came inside :)

its fun to watch my lil guy show his independence. he likes to watch and then try for himself. sometimes he gets frustrated and his trial ends in tantrum but mostly he just keeps trying.

{i think he gets his persistence from his father.}

his da has taught him how to water the garden so as he was doing so i showed him the radishes and how big they were getting. 

 i showed him how to pick one and he then decided he wanted to try it himself. 

 quite proud of himself after one, he kept right on going, showing me each one.

{don't worry da, there are still some left in your garden to finish growing.}

as we get closer to baby girl coming into our world, its nice to be able to spend some alone time with aj.   i have been filled with anxiety over things i cannot control. ie. how will i show equal love to them both? will aj feel jealousy and out of place? how will i balance my already crazy/busy schedule? how will i have the energy to care for everyone, and then me?   i know these thoughts are normal, and the answers are typically; you just do and you'll figure it out. its harder to relax this time around. with aj i felt more at peace with the unknowing. its been so unsettling to be out of control of what will be. so i've been trying very hard to let go and relax. and let others help, thank you s for being so kind when i know its been a struggle with my moodiness. i'm sure you are just as ready to have your wife back as i am ready to be her again as well.