truth

trying to take in my new surroundings

trying to take one day at a time

breath by breath

sometimes i don't even feel the tears roll down

i'm without

holding on to the ghosts in my soul

haunted by the way things were

tangled with the way things are

waiting for the sadness to lift

the calm to settle in

this is just the way things are

i cry out to let go and let god lead me

but he doesn't seem to hear my cries

i feel stuck in time

like i'm waiting for my reality to make sense

to wake up from this long twisted dream

i keep expecting him to say he changed his mind, he's sorry, i'm his everything...

when really i mean nothing to him

just disregarded

left in his shadow

i know its time to step out from his darkness

every inch of me knows to but every inch of me fights to stay. . . lingering

maybe its hope and maybe its habit

i built my whole world around him and i played the fool

left with unspoken truths

no promises to fix it, no idea on how to recover

its so much to comprehend

i'm slipping right back down, down down to this damn depression that i have danced with time and time again in my life

i don't feel strong enough to battle this again

it whispers and taunts, like its calling me home

it wants its victory

i have too much responsibility to fall into its trap completely

so i wait until all my roles for the day have been fulfilled

then i unravel in the silence

breaking open

i can feel a shift within me. it keeps me in a light sleep at night. you know, when you feel like you aren't sleeping at all but you must have been or you'd be exhausted the next day...

things have been dark and hazy for months. i finally feel like i can see the light seeping in. i have ignored and silenced the snooze button for the last few years of my life.

i try to only see the good but sometimes in doing that you miss out on the horribly bad. is ignorance really bliss???

my whole world has been tipped upside down. i allowed myself to believe in empty promises. i let the love that we once had hit the bottom and wash away into the deep dark sea.

now i'm left in the shadows of someone i barely know. his presence will always linger as we share the most beautiful gems in the world : our two children. they are treasured gifts to both of us and i am thankful that we can stand on the same ground if only for them.

when i became a momma its all i could see. my world became about them. my need for balance in all areas of my life was neglected. i realized too late that my marriage was slipping through my hands. we stopped communicating. my focus was our child that soon became children. his went elsewhere.

can i truly say i was blindsided? no. i felt it fade away. i told myself it'd get better, that marriage and babies were hard. but how hard need it be? the saddest part to me is that we couldn't be honest with each other and say aloud it was over. we co-existed so to say in a loveless marriage.

the day that the truth was spilled, i felt the heavy weight on my chest lift. deep down i knew intuitively it wasn't going to get better, and the most important beings being hurt by us were the gems we hold so close to our hearts. it wasn't fair to them to stay or continue on the path we had been absently wandering.

so now a new path is being made. i am stumbling and climbing and feeling my way through the dark. some days i feel as if i am barely hanging on and other days i feel hope. my lil gems are what keep me going. but i have learned that i am not only just a momma.

i know now to listen to the whispers in my heart. to trust the angels messages. to pay attention to how fragile and precious life is. that we can choose to ignore and try to bury things but they will always eventually surface. i've actually had to "re-learn" this a few times.

detaching myself from a thirteen year relationship is anything but easy. it's a lot like becoming sober. i have had to feel every emotion in the raw. even in my crying fits i am thankful for this. and it may seem like it'd be easier to numb thyself. somedays i wish i could but i have already been numbing myself for so long...

today i welcome the stirring shift. i say thank you for its arrival. i pray to be surrounded with love and angels as my heart heals. and i ask for guidance as i put one foot in front of the other, one day at a time.

my reasons

they are the reason i can get up and keep going. they make me want to climb through the darkness. they will never know how much i truly love them because i have no words great enough to describe this love. they are my everything. they teach me everyday. to be aware, patient, gentle, driven.

ayden. my lil boog. you are a sensitive, energetic lil lamb. you love to cuddle, dance and explore. you won't hurry. outside is your favorite place to be.  often in your own little world. strong determination and relish in praise. you need stability and softness. you will always be my favorite little boy.

ayslin. my lil bird. you are my sunshine. the happiest baby girl i've ever met. you smile wide and laugh at yourself. yet already a lil mischievous. off to seek new things. love to be around others. you need comfort and kisses. you will always be my favorite little girl.

finding beauty in it

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen." - Elisabeth Kübler-Ross