exhaustion

its typical to feel exhausted after carrying a lil nugget in your belly for 9 months and then you finally deliver her into the world and you are brought into another type of exhaustion. but lets top that with a sudden tragic loss in the family. exhaustion from sadness and grief. i am trying my best to keep it together and describe to you how overwhelming the last week has been.

Ayslin Violet was born on June 24th at 9 am. i had had inconsistent contractions for a week prior until saturday evening when they finally came close enough together to head to the hospital. it was an entirely different birthing experience than with Ayden. only 2 pushes. she came out weighing 7.2 and with a thick head of jet black hair! she never cried. she just blinked at me. in her first week she has been a very content baby. she makes these lil cooing noises in her sleep and smiles. when she's ready to eat she opens her tiny mouth like a lil bird. her fingers lay gently on me as she eats. becoming a lil more alert everyday. her eyes open and she just looks around slowly. if she does cry its a lil short screech. any fear i had about not knowing how i could love both my kids equally fell away the moment they placed her in my arms. my heart swelled with that overwhelming, instant love. i feel so blessed to have two beautiful children.

on the morning of June 26th my sister called me hysterical. my heart dropped as i had a sense of what she was going to tell me. her brother in-law had passed away. my family is very close, my brother in-law is only considered my brother, in my heart. he has been since they married 9 years ago. i met my brother's brother about 12 years ago. we were 18 or 19. jackson loved life. he had the most bubbly, happy go lucky personality. he laughed all the time. he never seemed to sit still either. we'd hangout in his black light covered walls room and listen to music and talk. he'd bring me around to hangout with his friends making me feel like i fit right in. i could talk to him about anything, if i was ever down he'd do or say something to make me laugh. my sister and his brother were dating at the time, they were both worried we'd date but it wasn't like that - we were friends. time passed and our friendship faded away but i knew him then and his life touched mine. in years to come we'd see each other at a family get together, a concert or outing, we became alex's (my sister and his brothers son) godparents. it makes me so unbelievably sad that he has passed away. he has two beautiful children that will have grow up with only memories. his parents without one of their children, his siblings without their brother... i cannot imagine that kind of loss, that kind of pain. i can only pray for healing and comfort.

everyone around me is full with exhaustion. different shades. may we all find strength and support in each other. 

radishes

aj loves to be outside. he'd live out there if i'd let him. usually we go out in the afternoon when it is unbearably hot for momma and i last all of 20 minutes before a screaming match is caused by me dragging him back inside. today we switched it up, we went out early and played for almost 2 hours in the backyard until he actually, willingly came inside :)

its fun to watch my lil guy show his independence. he likes to watch and then try for himself. sometimes he gets frustrated and his trial ends in tantrum but mostly he just keeps trying.

{i think he gets his persistence from his father.}

his da has taught him how to water the garden so as he was doing so i showed him the radishes and how big they were getting. 

 i showed him how to pick one and he then decided he wanted to try it himself. 

 quite proud of himself after one, he kept right on going, showing me each one.

{don't worry da, there are still some left in your garden to finish growing.}

as we get closer to baby girl coming into our world, its nice to be able to spend some alone time with aj.   i have been filled with anxiety over things i cannot control. ie. how will i show equal love to them both? will aj feel jealousy and out of place? how will i balance my already crazy/busy schedule? how will i have the energy to care for everyone, and then me?   i know these thoughts are normal, and the answers are typically; you just do and you'll figure it out. its harder to relax this time around. with aj i felt more at peace with the unknowing. its been so unsettling to be out of control of what will be. so i've been trying very hard to let go and relax. and let others help, thank you s for being so kind when i know its been a struggle with my moodiness. i'm sure you are just as ready to have your wife back as i am ready to be her again as well.

sweet reminder

i have been holding so much in that i know its just not good for me. i needed someone to tell me its okay to let it go and a reminder to be gentle on myself. i think thats why i hold it in so no one sees how hard things really feel. how i just don't handle life all that well in my current state. i am not one of those women who enjoy pregnancy. in fact i want to scream when people say; oh my, you must be due anyway now! really? do you think that is an appropriate statement to make to a pregnant women? do they think its a flattering - how do they feel when i say; actually i have another month to go. swallowing what i really want to say because it is just not polite. 

i laugh at the preview to that what to expect movie when the woman tells her husband she wants to punch him in the face. cause its true, sometimes i just want to hurt someone. i won't but its how i feel. 

i feel this need to remain together and strong and optimistic and full of hope. but right now it is hard damn it.  especially after this weekend. ...

friday my husband decided to surprise me by taking a personal day to help me and hang out with aj and i. boy was he sorry. aj woke with a fever and was very whiny, A L L day long. fridays i'm pretty spent and edgy, i'm looking forward to the weekend but always left a lil disappointed, i just can't be satisfied these days. anyway, after a long day we were woken to an even crankier aj, still with fever and now a strange rash. aj is a happy boy, full of energy and pretty easily comforted - not saturday. so, we bring him to urgent care and wait an hour in a germ box room to be seen by the on call doc - who happened to be amazing. he stepped in asked his symptoms and looked at his rash then in his mouth. then stated plainly; hand, foot, mouth disease. First off - why would they name a virus a disease - it just isn't right! Anyways, scary to hear or try to hear, over aj screaming. what is it? what do we do? is it contagious. . .. so many questions that were answered by a pamphlet. apparently its going around. the next 36 hours were grueling. my son is covered in a blister type rash, that is spreading rapidly. he won't eat or drink because of the mouth ulcers and he screams and turns into a noodle when you have to syringe a medicine called magic mouthwash into his mouth which ends up pooling out everywhere. to see your sweet lil angel lying there miserable looking up at you begging with his eyes for comfort but batting your hands away, it breaks your heart. well so now on day 3 he has no fever, a lil more of an appetite and his energy level is climbing. his rash is still horrible, possibly worse which is what is said to happen, we are still keeping him incubated at home. i just can't see putting another child through this awful virus, although its unknown for how long they are contagious so he can't stay in doors forever - sorry society - we're trying.

still life doesn't stop or slow down for anybody. i'm about 35 weeks and aj is turning 2 in a week! we've got the business to run, bills to pay, chores to do. . . you know - life to live.

but it was good for my heart and soul to be reminded, thank you miss roberts, i REALLY needed this today.

32 weeks

are we there yet?  time seems to be crawling. .. .. .

i am craving EVERYTHING i cannot have right now: cherry mochas and ice cream cones and cupcakes mostly. damn it gestational.

she is the feistiest lil thing in there, kicking me so hard at times i jump or cringe. i'm getting a lil worried there isn't enough room in there. maybe she's just as anxious as i am to come out!

missing the simple things. . . chasing + lifting ayden. he wanted to go down the slide and up the ladder so many times yesterday i was out of breath - ridiculous. also, reaLLy missing my old clothes, maternity ones are really cramping my style. its hard to feel pretty when you are a good 40 pounds over your previous weight. (ok so maybe more - i do not look at the scale at my appointments)

i cry a lot more these days. my husbands really loving that. but i have no self control over these emotions. i've been having a hard time seeing the glass half full which is NOT like me at all.

thank goodness for my lil bundle of happiness, ayden. he aLways lifts my spirits with his giggles and smiles. i just feel sad i don't have his energy right now. i hope he knows i am trying to keep up!! he is the most active and curious boy i know. my favorite thing is to watch him when he doesn't know it. its when i see his silly nature and sweet self. and he still lets me cuddle him at night - just sometimes he tries to move my belly out of the way to get closer (she really doesn't like that). well, 51 days until her due date. but i have hope ~ ayden came at 37.5 weeks. he and i had an agreement he'd come greet me in my. he followed through, arriving on the 28th ☺ she and i haven't agreed on anything but not coming before she is ready. time will tell us just when that will be.

a lil rambled update

Source: weheartit.com via Cheryl on Pinterest

holy moly, kind kitties. . . it has been forever since i have posted a blog. where do i start? time, lets talk about time and where does it go?? i look back at how the last year has been a whirlwind of changes and yet it feels like yesterday i was sitting right here on my deck daydreaming of where i wanted to be. time passes much too quickly and yet we still put off until tomorrow what we could do today. my son is almost two, i am about to have another baby and i am a business owner. whoa, what? as you can tell my thoughts are all but together. i feel all over and nowhere at the same time. i still have so much to do and no time left in the day. i have a website to build, a dishwasher to unload, lots of creative ideas to put on paper. time management?? weeks are flying by. people ask me how many weeks along are you in this pregnancy and i just stare and smile telling them she is due in june. i really have no idea. its gone by so quickly.

she. yep. she. i wanted a girl so badly the first time i was pregnant that i bawled like a baby when the tech told me she sees a penis. perfect. what am i suppose to do with that information? i thought i was so connected and isync with my pregnancy that it was hands down a girl. nope, ayden is 100% boy! he loves to be dirty, and wrestle and discover how things work. he is fearless in so many ways yet still wants to cuddle at the end of the day with momma and his bo-bo ☺  i should note here that my crying spell only lasted a night and i quickly fell in love with the notion of boy and he is my everything. i am a sucker for those big brown eyes and mischievous grin.

so this time around i had no expectations. well, i assumed boy since both my sisters recently had boys. i made the tech triple check that she was in fact a she. i filled with joy but it took me weeks to wrap my head around it. now i sit with, what do i do with a girl?! but how amazing is it that we get to have one of each! i'm sure we will figure it out as we are still doing with ayden. and its pretty fun to buy headbands and glittery booties ~ just no pink please ☟ (icK, momma hates pink) this girl will be a lil rocker, a lil glam and may sport her big brothers clothes!

how can i expect others to do so if i am not doing so myself. ..

i am having the hardest time connecting right now. i feel like i am just floating through my day to day life. i can cry and laugh and be angry and silly but yet i still feel a HUGE disconnect in my life. i feel like my truths are hiding in the shadows just waiting to be told. they hide in fear of what the reactions will be once revealed.  i am trying to just feel what i feel without judging or questioning. but i can't even find the words to put down here. . .

just praying for peace of mind and heart.


all anyone wants is to be seen, to be heard. so why is something so simple, so difficult. so easily overlooked. i get so caught up in my own shit that i can't see two feet in front of me.

and then some.

i haven't written in such a long while. i mean to daily but somehow time slips away from me. it falls to the bottom of my mundane to dos. i've always struggled with balance (as you know if you read my blog). so much is happening in my world these days.  being a new owner of a clothing boutique with my mom and sister is of the newest. the adventure started brewing in august but didn't become official and public until September 15th. it has always been a dream of mine to own a boutique with my family and the opportunity presented itself so unexpected but it was something we could not pass up ~ a gift that was graciously accepted. so i now am back in the working world. working 30+ hours in and out of the store. learning so many things. i hadn't a clue to fashion but its actually quite exciting. i had worked briefly in retail prior but being an employee is quite different than being an owner! but i have a great mentor; my momma. it is so touching to see her interact with customers that value her opinion and come in specifically to see her. (she had been an employee at Elodie and managing the store before we took over ownership)

each day brings something new. i am either working or momma or creating my art. it feels great to be contributing financially to my family again and in doing something that i am passionate about. how great is that? so why does my heart weigh heavy this morning? sleep deprivation could be a part of it. baby a has had many sleepless nights this week and somehow i always end up the one being up with him. i don't know if its his teeth or bad dreams but he wakes up around 3am crying out and can not be comforted to go back to sleep. so we watch cartoons for about an hour when he falls asleep cuddling me and then i lay him back down for a few more hours of sleep. can i fall back asleep then? oh no. my mind starts to tally the day ahead to dos. so i end up maybe getting 20 minutes of sleep before its time to get up with the rest of the house. and last night baby a was up off and on all night with the start of yet another cold. the poor lil guy couldn't breath through his nose so i laid him down in the bed next to me which you know just leads to you Not sleeping because you are so aware of him being right there and you hear every lil cough and feel every lil kick. oh how long the day will be.

Baby Froehle Shower

my lil sister J is having a baby!! i recently had the pleasure of planning her baby shower and wanted to show you all the details. whenever i am starting to plan an event i make an inspiration board with ideas pulled from the dandy internet. i start by discussing with the host what they are looking for; theme & colors, etc. for J, she was really open to whatever as long as i incorporated her colors + elephants. (l♥v having creative power) here's her inspiration board...

from here i went into plan & design mode.

thanks to Nicole here are some pictures from the shower...

hope you enjoyed your shower J! i loved planning it!

thank you to Mom, A & N for hosting!!

A + me + J

at the end of the day

at the end of the day, you have done all that you could. so many things are out of our hands and up to the universe. all we can do is pray. and sometimes are prayers are answered. . .. ☺

first days

today was the first day of school for my godson alex. i sat and reminisced over the memories of the last five years of his life and how quickly they have passed. he is who taught me the definition of love at first sight. when i met him the day he was born i fell instantaneously in love. it is hard to put into words what my heart + soul felt in that moment. and it wasn't until baby a was born i felt it all over again. there is a difference in feeling an instant connection with someone and love at first sight.

alex is the the definition of boy wonder. he has a photographic memory and is full of did you knows and animal wisdom. he is sensitive and kind and very witty. i know he will do wonderfully in school i just can't believe the day is already here! baby a and i wanted to wish him well on his new venture so we sent him this picture message to view before heading to the bus stop.

of course this was during a's mickey mouse time so he was a little distracted.

his momma sent us this picture of him waiting for the bus. so proud of you alex! may school bring you much knowledge and new friends. can't wait to hear all about what you are learning!!