exhaustion

its typical to feel exhausted after carrying a lil nugget in your belly for 9 months and then you finally deliver her into the world and you are brought into another type of exhaustion. but lets top that with a sudden tragic loss in the family. exhaustion from sadness and grief. i am trying my best to keep it together and describe to you how overwhelming the last week has been.

Ayslin Violet was born on June 24th at 9 am. i had had inconsistent contractions for a week prior until saturday evening when they finally came close enough together to head to the hospital. it was an entirely different birthing experience than with Ayden. only 2 pushes. she came out weighing 7.2 and with a thick head of jet black hair! she never cried. she just blinked at me. in her first week she has been a very content baby. she makes these lil cooing noises in her sleep and smiles. when she's ready to eat she opens her tiny mouth like a lil bird. her fingers lay gently on me as she eats. becoming a lil more alert everyday. her eyes open and she just looks around slowly. if she does cry its a lil short screech. any fear i had about not knowing how i could love both my kids equally fell away the moment they placed her in my arms. my heart swelled with that overwhelming, instant love. i feel so blessed to have two beautiful children.

on the morning of June 26th my sister called me hysterical. my heart dropped as i had a sense of what she was going to tell me. her brother in-law had passed away. my family is very close, my brother in-law is only considered my brother, in my heart. he has been since they married 9 years ago. i met my brother's brother about 12 years ago. we were 18 or 19. jackson loved life. he had the most bubbly, happy go lucky personality. he laughed all the time. he never seemed to sit still either. we'd hangout in his black light covered walls room and listen to music and talk. he'd bring me around to hangout with his friends making me feel like i fit right in. i could talk to him about anything, if i was ever down he'd do or say something to make me laugh. my sister and his brother were dating at the time, they were both worried we'd date but it wasn't like that - we were friends. time passed and our friendship faded away but i knew him then and his life touched mine. in years to come we'd see each other at a family get together, a concert or outing, we became alex's (my sister and his brothers son) godparents. it makes me so unbelievably sad that he has passed away. he has two beautiful children that will have grow up with only memories. his parents without one of their children, his siblings without their brother... i cannot imagine that kind of loss, that kind of pain. i can only pray for healing and comfort.

everyone around me is full with exhaustion. different shades. may we all find strength and support in each other.