i have been holding so much in that i know its just not good for me. i needed someone to tell me its okay to let it go and a reminder to be gentle on myself. i think thats why i hold it in so no one sees how hard things really feel. how i just don't handle life all that well in my current state. i am not one of those women who enjoy pregnancy. in fact i want to scream when people say; oh my, you must be due anyway now! really? do you think that is an appropriate statement to make to a pregnant women? do they think its a flattering - how do they feel when i say; actually i have another month to go. swallowing what i really want to say because it is just not polite.
i laugh at the preview to that what to expect movie when the woman tells her husband she wants to punch him in the face. cause its true, sometimes i just want to hurt someone. i won't but its how i feel.
i feel this need to remain together and strong and optimistic and full of hope. but right now it is hard damn it. especially after this weekend. ...
friday my husband decided to surprise me by taking a personal day to help me and hang out with aj and i. boy was he sorry. aj woke with a fever and was very whiny, A L L day long. fridays i'm pretty spent and edgy, i'm looking forward to the weekend but always left a lil disappointed, i just can't be satisfied these days. anyway, after a long day we were woken to an even crankier aj, still with fever and now a strange rash. aj is a happy boy, full of energy and pretty easily comforted - not saturday. so, we bring him to urgent care and wait an hour in a germ box room to be seen by the on call doc - who happened to be amazing. he stepped in asked his symptoms and looked at his rash then in his mouth. then stated plainly; hand, foot, mouth disease. First off - why would they name a virus a disease - it just isn't right! Anyways, scary to hear or try to hear, over aj screaming. what is it? what do we do? is it contagious. . .. so many questions that were answered by a pamphlet. apparently its going around. the next 36 hours were grueling. my son is covered in a blister type rash, that is spreading rapidly. he won't eat or drink because of the mouth ulcers and he screams and turns into a noodle when you have to syringe a medicine called magic mouthwash into his mouth which ends up pooling out everywhere. to see your sweet lil angel lying there miserable looking up at you begging with his eyes for comfort but batting your hands away, it breaks your heart. well so now on day 3 he has no fever, a lil more of an appetite and his energy level is climbing. his rash is still horrible, possibly worse which is what is said to happen, we are still keeping him incubated at home. i just can't see putting another child through this awful virus, although its unknown for how long they are contagious so he can't stay in doors forever - sorry society - we're trying.
still life doesn't stop or slow down for anybody. i'm about 35 weeks and aj is turning 2 in a week! we've got the business to run, bills to pay, chores to do. . . you know - life to live.
but it was good for my heart and soul to be reminded, thank you miss roberts, i REALLY needed this today.
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