5 years

its been 5 years since i've had a drink. thats really something! i am so blessed in what sobriety has brought me. i honestly can say i wouldn't have the things i do today in my life if i would have stayed on that road. thank you for helping me find the light and for continuing to guide me in the right direction.

what we do

lil mr has found a new love, painting....

he lines his paints up just so and says; momma, colors. then tries to name them one by one. he likes to have a variety of brushes and a little bit of each color on his pallet. recently we've discovered its fun to paint on our selves as well as the paper. i bought him his own paints, brushes and sketchbook so he'd stay out of mine but that is not always what he wants :) its fun to share something like this with him... i love fresh paints and brushes and the messiness of it all + so does he! 

exhaustion

its typical to feel exhausted after carrying a lil nugget in your belly for 9 months and then you finally deliver her into the world and you are brought into another type of exhaustion. but lets top that with a sudden tragic loss in the family. exhaustion from sadness and grief. i am trying my best to keep it together and describe to you how overwhelming the last week has been.

Ayslin Violet was born on June 24th at 9 am. i had had inconsistent contractions for a week prior until saturday evening when they finally came close enough together to head to the hospital. it was an entirely different birthing experience than with Ayden. only 2 pushes. she came out weighing 7.2 and with a thick head of jet black hair! she never cried. she just blinked at me. in her first week she has been a very content baby. she makes these lil cooing noises in her sleep and smiles. when she's ready to eat she opens her tiny mouth like a lil bird. her fingers lay gently on me as she eats. becoming a lil more alert everyday. her eyes open and she just looks around slowly. if she does cry its a lil short screech. any fear i had about not knowing how i could love both my kids equally fell away the moment they placed her in my arms. my heart swelled with that overwhelming, instant love. i feel so blessed to have two beautiful children.

on the morning of June 26th my sister called me hysterical. my heart dropped as i had a sense of what she was going to tell me. her brother in-law had passed away. my family is very close, my brother in-law is only considered my brother, in my heart. he has been since they married 9 years ago. i met my brother's brother about 12 years ago. we were 18 or 19. jackson loved life. he had the most bubbly, happy go lucky personality. he laughed all the time. he never seemed to sit still either. we'd hangout in his black light covered walls room and listen to music and talk. he'd bring me around to hangout with his friends making me feel like i fit right in. i could talk to him about anything, if i was ever down he'd do or say something to make me laugh. my sister and his brother were dating at the time, they were both worried we'd date but it wasn't like that - we were friends. time passed and our friendship faded away but i knew him then and his life touched mine. in years to come we'd see each other at a family get together, a concert or outing, we became alex's (my sister and his brothers son) godparents. it makes me so unbelievably sad that he has passed away. he has two beautiful children that will have grow up with only memories. his parents without one of their children, his siblings without their brother... i cannot imagine that kind of loss, that kind of pain. i can only pray for healing and comfort.

everyone around me is full with exhaustion. different shades. may we all find strength and support in each other. 

radishes

aj loves to be outside. he'd live out there if i'd let him. usually we go out in the afternoon when it is unbearably hot for momma and i last all of 20 minutes before a screaming match is caused by me dragging him back inside. today we switched it up, we went out early and played for almost 2 hours in the backyard until he actually, willingly came inside :)

its fun to watch my lil guy show his independence. he likes to watch and then try for himself. sometimes he gets frustrated and his trial ends in tantrum but mostly he just keeps trying.

{i think he gets his persistence from his father.}

his da has taught him how to water the garden so as he was doing so i showed him the radishes and how big they were getting. 

 i showed him how to pick one and he then decided he wanted to try it himself. 

 quite proud of himself after one, he kept right on going, showing me each one.

{don't worry da, there are still some left in your garden to finish growing.}

as we get closer to baby girl coming into our world, its nice to be able to spend some alone time with aj.   i have been filled with anxiety over things i cannot control. ie. how will i show equal love to them both? will aj feel jealousy and out of place? how will i balance my already crazy/busy schedule? how will i have the energy to care for everyone, and then me?   i know these thoughts are normal, and the answers are typically; you just do and you'll figure it out. its harder to relax this time around. with aj i felt more at peace with the unknowing. its been so unsettling to be out of control of what will be. so i've been trying very hard to let go and relax. and let others help, thank you s for being so kind when i know its been a struggle with my moodiness. i'm sure you are just as ready to have your wife back as i am ready to be her again as well.

sweet reminder

i have been holding so much in that i know its just not good for me. i needed someone to tell me its okay to let it go and a reminder to be gentle on myself. i think thats why i hold it in so no one sees how hard things really feel. how i just don't handle life all that well in my current state. i am not one of those women who enjoy pregnancy. in fact i want to scream when people say; oh my, you must be due anyway now! really? do you think that is an appropriate statement to make to a pregnant women? do they think its a flattering - how do they feel when i say; actually i have another month to go. swallowing what i really want to say because it is just not polite. 

i laugh at the preview to that what to expect movie when the woman tells her husband she wants to punch him in the face. cause its true, sometimes i just want to hurt someone. i won't but its how i feel. 

i feel this need to remain together and strong and optimistic and full of hope. but right now it is hard damn it.  especially after this weekend. ...

friday my husband decided to surprise me by taking a personal day to help me and hang out with aj and i. boy was he sorry. aj woke with a fever and was very whiny, A L L day long. fridays i'm pretty spent and edgy, i'm looking forward to the weekend but always left a lil disappointed, i just can't be satisfied these days. anyway, after a long day we were woken to an even crankier aj, still with fever and now a strange rash. aj is a happy boy, full of energy and pretty easily comforted - not saturday. so, we bring him to urgent care and wait an hour in a germ box room to be seen by the on call doc - who happened to be amazing. he stepped in asked his symptoms and looked at his rash then in his mouth. then stated plainly; hand, foot, mouth disease. First off - why would they name a virus a disease - it just isn't right! Anyways, scary to hear or try to hear, over aj screaming. what is it? what do we do? is it contagious. . .. so many questions that were answered by a pamphlet. apparently its going around. the next 36 hours were grueling. my son is covered in a blister type rash, that is spreading rapidly. he won't eat or drink because of the mouth ulcers and he screams and turns into a noodle when you have to syringe a medicine called magic mouthwash into his mouth which ends up pooling out everywhere. to see your sweet lil angel lying there miserable looking up at you begging with his eyes for comfort but batting your hands away, it breaks your heart. well so now on day 3 he has no fever, a lil more of an appetite and his energy level is climbing. his rash is still horrible, possibly worse which is what is said to happen, we are still keeping him incubated at home. i just can't see putting another child through this awful virus, although its unknown for how long they are contagious so he can't stay in doors forever - sorry society - we're trying.

still life doesn't stop or slow down for anybody. i'm about 35 weeks and aj is turning 2 in a week! we've got the business to run, bills to pay, chores to do. . . you know - life to live.

but it was good for my heart and soul to be reminded, thank you miss roberts, i REALLY needed this today.

32 weeks

are we there yet?  time seems to be crawling. .. .. .

i am craving EVERYTHING i cannot have right now: cherry mochas and ice cream cones and cupcakes mostly. damn it gestational.

she is the feistiest lil thing in there, kicking me so hard at times i jump or cringe. i'm getting a lil worried there isn't enough room in there. maybe she's just as anxious as i am to come out!

missing the simple things. . . chasing + lifting ayden. he wanted to go down the slide and up the ladder so many times yesterday i was out of breath - ridiculous. also, reaLLy missing my old clothes, maternity ones are really cramping my style. its hard to feel pretty when you are a good 40 pounds over your previous weight. (ok so maybe more - i do not look at the scale at my appointments)

i cry a lot more these days. my husbands really loving that. but i have no self control over these emotions. i've been having a hard time seeing the glass half full which is NOT like me at all.

thank goodness for my lil bundle of happiness, ayden. he aLways lifts my spirits with his giggles and smiles. i just feel sad i don't have his energy right now. i hope he knows i am trying to keep up!! he is the most active and curious boy i know. my favorite thing is to watch him when he doesn't know it. its when i see his silly nature and sweet self. and he still lets me cuddle him at night - just sometimes he tries to move my belly out of the way to get closer (she really doesn't like that). well, 51 days until her due date. but i have hope ~ ayden came at 37.5 weeks. he and i had an agreement he'd come greet me in my. he followed through, arriving on the 28th ☺ she and i haven't agreed on anything but not coming before she is ready. time will tell us just when that will be.

a lil rambled update

Source: weheartit.com via Cheryl on Pinterest

holy moly, kind kitties. . . it has been forever since i have posted a blog. where do i start? time, lets talk about time and where does it go?? i look back at how the last year has been a whirlwind of changes and yet it feels like yesterday i was sitting right here on my deck daydreaming of where i wanted to be. time passes much too quickly and yet we still put off until tomorrow what we could do today. my son is almost two, i am about to have another baby and i am a business owner. whoa, what? as you can tell my thoughts are all but together. i feel all over and nowhere at the same time. i still have so much to do and no time left in the day. i have a website to build, a dishwasher to unload, lots of creative ideas to put on paper. time management?? weeks are flying by. people ask me how many weeks along are you in this pregnancy and i just stare and smile telling them she is due in june. i really have no idea. its gone by so quickly.

she. yep. she. i wanted a girl so badly the first time i was pregnant that i bawled like a baby when the tech told me she sees a penis. perfect. what am i suppose to do with that information? i thought i was so connected and isync with my pregnancy that it was hands down a girl. nope, ayden is 100% boy! he loves to be dirty, and wrestle and discover how things work. he is fearless in so many ways yet still wants to cuddle at the end of the day with momma and his bo-bo ☺  i should note here that my crying spell only lasted a night and i quickly fell in love with the notion of boy and he is my everything. i am a sucker for those big brown eyes and mischievous grin.

so this time around i had no expectations. well, i assumed boy since both my sisters recently had boys. i made the tech triple check that she was in fact a she. i filled with joy but it took me weeks to wrap my head around it. now i sit with, what do i do with a girl?! but how amazing is it that we get to have one of each! i'm sure we will figure it out as we are still doing with ayden. and its pretty fun to buy headbands and glittery booties ~ just no pink please ☟ (icK, momma hates pink) this girl will be a lil rocker, a lil glam and may sport her big brothers clothes!

how can i expect others to do so if i am not doing so myself. ..

i am having the hardest time connecting right now. i feel like i am just floating through my day to day life. i can cry and laugh and be angry and silly but yet i still feel a HUGE disconnect in my life. i feel like my truths are hiding in the shadows just waiting to be told. they hide in fear of what the reactions will be once revealed.  i am trying to just feel what i feel without judging or questioning. but i can't even find the words to put down here. . .

just praying for peace of mind and heart.


all anyone wants is to be seen, to be heard. so why is something so simple, so difficult. so easily overlooked. i get so caught up in my own shit that i can't see two feet in front of me.