breaking open

i can feel a shift within me. it keeps me in a light sleep at night. you know, when you feel like you aren't sleeping at all but you must have been or you'd be exhausted the next day...

things have been dark and hazy for months. i finally feel like i can see the light seeping in. i have ignored and silenced the snooze button for the last few years of my life.

i try to only see the good but sometimes in doing that you miss out on the horribly bad. is ignorance really bliss???

my whole world has been tipped upside down. i allowed myself to believe in empty promises. i let the love that we once had hit the bottom and wash away into the deep dark sea.

now i'm left in the shadows of someone i barely know. his presence will always linger as we share the most beautiful gems in the world : our two children. they are treasured gifts to both of us and i am thankful that we can stand on the same ground if only for them.

when i became a momma its all i could see. my world became about them. my need for balance in all areas of my life was neglected. i realized too late that my marriage was slipping through my hands. we stopped communicating. my focus was our child that soon became children. his went elsewhere.

can i truly say i was blindsided? no. i felt it fade away. i told myself it'd get better, that marriage and babies were hard. but how hard need it be? the saddest part to me is that we couldn't be honest with each other and say aloud it was over. we co-existed so to say in a loveless marriage.

the day that the truth was spilled, i felt the heavy weight on my chest lift. deep down i knew intuitively it wasn't going to get better, and the most important beings being hurt by us were the gems we hold so close to our hearts. it wasn't fair to them to stay or continue on the path we had been absently wandering.

so now a new path is being made. i am stumbling and climbing and feeling my way through the dark. some days i feel as if i am barely hanging on and other days i feel hope. my lil gems are what keep me going. but i have learned that i am not only just a momma.

i know now to listen to the whispers in my heart. to trust the angels messages. to pay attention to how fragile and precious life is. that we can choose to ignore and try to bury things but they will always eventually surface. i've actually had to "re-learn" this a few times.

detaching myself from a thirteen year relationship is anything but easy. it's a lot like becoming sober. i have had to feel every emotion in the raw. even in my crying fits i am thankful for this. and it may seem like it'd be easier to numb thyself. somedays i wish i could but i have already been numbing myself for so long...

today i welcome the stirring shift. i say thank you for its arrival. i pray to be surrounded with love and angels as my heart heals. and i ask for guidance as i put one foot in front of the other, one day at a time.