happy birthday beautiful boy

* on the 28th day of every month i write a letter to ayden in a journal made especially for this. i thought i'd share an excerpt from his one year entry...

birthday boy ~ you are 1 year old ♥ i can't believe your first birthday is here ♥ i know every month i tell you how fast time has flown by but now looking at it from the 1 year mark is even faster and more than momma can put into words ♥ i am learning from you each and everyday ♥ you have taught me so much in this first year ♥ you have taught me that life is about adaptation ♥ about optimism, joy and being present in the now ♥ everyday you wake up smiling and ready to take on your world ♥ explore your surroundings ♥ your attention span may be short right now but i believe its because things are still new and waiting for you to discover ♥ you like to touch everything ♥ your curiosity is exciting to take in ♥ just being around you makes me happy and fulfilled ♥ i wish i could bottle up your giggles and sweet, sweet smell ♥ you have my whole heart ♥

sooner than expected

i am here
even when i am broken into a million little pieces
my armor is off and i am ready
to be vulnerable and raw
to discover whatever it is that lies ahead of me
to be okay with the uncertainties
because i have love
i am blessed
i am present
now

proceed

the walls are closing in and i can't breathe easy 

the doorway is too small to fit through

magic potion help me shrink to the right size

i shake with fear of what is on the other side

but this is what you wanted, a way out

squeeze my eyes shut with my hand on the handle, i push through

wish i may

what would you do if fear did not stand in the way? why do we let it??

what is it that lies deep within whispering to be let out? why don't we let it??

what is your true dream???

pondering what it is that needs to take form in my life. i feel the need that i can no longer ignore what is just waiting to spill out. but there are all these icky, what if's and you can't, you won't and how, stirring around that are clouding and squeezing my inner most desires. i want to make a huge shift in my life and it is the scariest leap. but if i choose to remain standing on the outside of it then it remains a dream and not my reality. and if i don't try then i'll never know. and if i'm waiting for all the fears to just fall away then i'll continue to wait aLot longer.

i have this dream where i see myself close my eyes and gently let go and i fall into a beautiful, peaceful, soft "place". its neither scary nor vulnerable. its rewarding and amazing. it feels like home. like i've been here before but like i've never been here at all!

so i hold onto this dreams comfort and i try to shake off all the gremlins that are in the shadows. i pray for the universe to provide and support this creative dream of mine and to trust the unknown. to find this place that i dream of.

too much to handle at 3:30AM

zipper, johnny cash & jaxson

so i have been single parenting for 6 days now. (hubby is on a work trip) its day 7 (3:30AM) and i'm about to loose my mind! things with ayden have been going great, he's his normal, happy baby self. but these dogs are crazy! just to back track ~ we have 2 dogs; jaxson and johnny cash, and our roommate has 1; zipper. he had been thinking about getting a dog this summer and when i saw zipper online i had convinced him that he just had to rescue him. the only mistake was that he was a puppy (the same age as ayden). the mix of 3 is chaos. (three's a crowd totally makes sense to me now) i love dogs, and i would rescue them all and have a dog farm if possible so it really was me pushing for the adoption. but i wasn't thinking rationally. and i do love zipper, he's full of life and love but the mix + baby = TOO MUCH!

ayden is teething and so tonight was one of those sleepless nights. he was up at 11 and then again at 2:30 - this time not wanting to go back to bed. so i made some coffee and sat down to play with him. in the mean time, all the dogs are up. jax laying by ayden and i and jc and zipper wrestling and fighting over toys. its 3 am. they think its meal time and cannot seem to find comfort in quiet time. at this point i get aj back to sleep but the dogs are barking and rough-housing and i am about to tweak! so i separate them all and after 5 minutes of whining from 3 separate rooms of the house all is quiet and my nerves have calmed. wait - i hear a stirring baby. the funs about to start all over again. . .

hubby, you can come home now, i miss you!

photo fun

i am loving the new app; Hipstamatic for the iphone 4. too bad i don't actually have this phone. i am still using an old school flip phone. so i hijacked the hubby's phone to play and ayden of course is my favorite subject.

flu birds

"Doing What It Takes" by jenzet

i can't remember the last time i had the flu. the last 48 hrs were pure evil. i was going about my normal to do's when i was hit with a strong wave of nausea. handing over my son as fast as possible, i headed to the porcelain palace which was all mine for the following 6 + hrs of purging every 20 minutes. there is nothing worse then dry heaves and cold sweats. i was praying for it to end. then it did, only to switch ends. along with that, every bone in my body was aching. that continued for a unpleasant 24 + hrs. needless to say my energy was completely depleted. sleep was the only thing i could do with ease.

all the while i felt so overwhelmed with guilt and sadness. i was laying there feeling so helpless and guilty. guilty for not being able to care for ayden, for missing work, for being sick on my husbands birthday/valentine's day. why did i feel guilty for something that was so out of my control?! maybe because i'm a mom now and its my role to take care of my son. i hate missing work ~ especially because we're so busy. and had such fun birthday plans for my husband. i feel like i let everyone down.

today was a new day though. i got up with baby feeling more alive then i had and smiled at my beautiful boy who i missed snuggling with and swept him up from his sleep to feed him before getting myself ready for work. he ate about 6 oz before pro-jecting it all over the both of us. perfect. well, he didn't have a fever so i changed his clothes and put him in his crib to play while i got ready for work. ayden is a very happy baby so to hear him fussing and such is not normal morning routine. i went in to find a horrible stench and then to discover that he had a green explosion that went up his back and down to his ankles. just perfect. so much for being on time. the poor lil guy was so patient while i stripped him down and peeled off his clothes and bathed him in the sink. he was clinging to me with tears falling from his eyes . . . no fever, no matter, my little babes has the flu too and needs to stay home.

the guilt set in again ~ i knew this was going to disappoint work and my paycheck but what else can you do? being a momma comes first. and when your husband has meetings all day that he can't get out of, you stay home. luckily i have fridays off so i hope to be able to make up some time this week.

since having ayden he has had croup twice and a cold that seems to always be present. and now his first run in with the flu. i know lil babies are susceptible to picking up all the viruses that are out there. we are learning it first hand. when he is sick its the hardest thing, my heart just breaks for him. so as unpleasant as my bout of flu was, if i could take it away and have it for my lil baby i would!

abundance

abundance |əˈbəndəns|• plentifulness of the good things of life

this is the theme of my 2011. my life has never felt so full and meaningful. even with the never ending laundry list of things to do. i'm learning to let things wait their turn. my son teaches me something new everyday. he is curious, determined, and brave and he is only 8 months old. amazing.

this past year was filled with so many changes. a bit overwhelming at times i have to admit. i went from girlfriend to fiance to wife to momma in 9 months. crazy. but life goes anyway but how we plan it to. and i live without regret. look what 2010 brought me. blessed.

i've never been into resolutions. too much pressure. but i live with intent to be fully present for each of these precious moments. i'm understanding how fragile life is and how quickly things can change. that we need to tell each other how much we mean to each other while we're still here. together.

heart stealer

“if you live to be 100, i hope i live to be 100 minus 1 day,

so i never have to live without you.”

you are my everything. i never knew being your momma would be so fulfilling.

when you say mum, my heart weeps. when you roll over and smile so proudly i

light up inside. i wish i could bottle your giggles and your sweet baby smell.

i hope you hold on to your wonder and sense of self always.

self

who i am now and who i used to be are 2 different people. how my old self disappeared was gradual yet in a rush. i became wife and mother in the last year. things of importance shifted. i used to struggle with; who am i and where am i? being a mother has taught me to live in each moment. that as much as you think you have your future planned, things can change with the wind. being a wife has taught me compromise and inter-dependence. and that communication is key.

i used to be a selfish, lost soul. i acted without thinking of the reaction it would cause. then wallowed in self loathing and pity. AA taught me acceptance. it truly does hold the answers. i have to carry it as my daily mantra because no matter how much we think we have control of things in our lives, sometimes we cannot. being sober has brought me more gifts then i could have ever imagined. clarity, forgiveness, friendship, support, self love and healing. things that were all waiting until i was ready to accept them into my life.

now i can't imagine going backwards and putting up with my old self but there are still shades of her in me. i kept the parts of her that were always there and the parts that i love; my creativity, my silliness, my list making, my compassion for loved ones . . . i want these parts to flourish and entwine with who i am now; nurturing, understanding, inspired and devoted. i want to instill new traits; mindfulness, patient, and serene.